I will be writing two posts today, on account of not writing one yesterday for being occupied with company from 4PM to 4 AM. It was well worth it.

The first time I ever cheated with a guy, he was my first, wildly innocent love. We knew that we liked each other; but during an otherwise ordinary game of "The Ultimate Survival Guide," he was utterly destroying me. Even though it totally violated everything I thought my character was based on, I looked at the answer before he asked me the question. This was at the end of the game when he'd already beaten me and said, "If you get this right, we'll count it a tie." I wasn't even playing to win here. Afterward, in the hammock, I told him about what I'd done and apologized. He was okay with it. I drew this graffiti to reconcile.

At times, I've had to discuss what it means to cheat, is it grounds for break up, and how would I feel in the event of cheating and being cheated on. My perspective right now is that I would rather be cheated on than cheat. It's so much easier to be hurt, make them the bad guy, pity yourself, and move on. Hopefully, it would just be a prostitute and they used protection. Sexual cheating hurts that I'm not satisfying enough, but something that can be worked through. It would be endlessly agonizing to me if they sought deep emotional comfort in someone else because they didn't feel they could talk to me about it.

However, if I cheated, I would have to deal with the guilt and responsibility of my actions, possibly living with the fact that I hurt the one person I meant to protect, and they could leave my life forever because of it.